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May 24, 2006

We all have expectations.

I expect that occasionally my offspring will somehow contact me and let me know that they're not laying in a ditch somewhere. Lately, I haven't been returning that courtesy to them or pretty much anyone else, letting other things get in the way of the simple email or phone call to let THEM know I'm still alive and kicking. For this I am truly sorry.

Yes, I have been incredibly busy with quilt classes, publishing quilt patterns, knitting and sewing for charity and myself, ringing bells (and other activities) at church... and occasionally sleeping. Those are reasons I've not been in touch, not excuses. There is no excuse, and I have vowed to remember my priorities - and my expectations - and do a better job at keeping in touch. After all, how much time does it actually take to sit down an pop out an email saying, "I'm still alive" ? We don't even need to pick up the phone and engage in a 2-hour conversation. Sheesh, I don't even need to type out the whole email address, they're in my address book...

(Hmmm, the expectations rant went off onto the laying-in-a-ditch rant) Flash back to Mother's Day. The phone calls I made did include my sincerely apologizing for not calling/emailing for so long, and then they moved on to general well-wishes for the holiday and a catch-up on what's been happening with everyone.

Except one.

There was one call that started with my apologies and ended up with me getting ripped a new one for not living up to someone's expectations. Not just for lack of communication, but for lack of being there, physically (mostly for babysitting duty). I explained that it wasn't financially feasible to "be there" and was met with something along the lines of, "If you moved here and got a job...." Wait. Moved? Got a JOB? So I could BE THERE? To BABYSIT?

Okay. Setting aside the fact that I am not and have NEVER professed to be June Cleaver... setting aside the fact that my offspring NEVER in their lives heard, "When am I going to be a grandma?"... setting aside the fact that when the [cough, cough] joyous news of the impending birth was announced, my first words were not "Congratulations" - they were "I don't babysit"... Exactly what would make anybody who had even a passing acquaintance with me get the impression that I would be interested in packing up, selling my house, moving to another state, buying a house, and getting a job so that I could "be there"?

You know what's even worse than that whole scenario? The fact that I actually found myself APOLOGIZING for not being able to pick up and move to be closer. I was in the apology mode because it had been so long since I called, and it just oozed over into the rest of the conversation. I didn't realize it while it was happening, but after I hung up (on a decidedly chilly note, btw), I was almost sick to my stomach because I was so angry that I didn't say anything that ended with "and the horse you rode in on".

Maybe I'm a selfish bee-yotch. Maybe I should feel guilty about not wanting to turn my life inside-out so that I can live up to another's expectations of me. Maybe I ought to under-go a complete and total personality change. Or maybe I should just point out that if you expect other people to live up to your expectations, you should also plan to be disappointed.

Expectations. It's hard enough to live up to my own expectations of myself. Get over your damn self, already.

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permalink 1 Comments:
At 5/30/2006 7:41 AM, Blogger cathych Babbled Back:  

Go read my blog: My youngest son (19) has dropped out of college, is living with his girlfriend, thinks he can make a living with a landscaping company that is paying his under the table because they hire illegals. Since May 2, he has called on Mothers Day, & that has been it. I know exactly how you feel.

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